Manipulation is a Major Red Flag in a Marriage

Manipulation is a Major Red Flag in a Marriage Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print How to Recognize and React to Manipulation in Your Marriage By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on February 01, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD Updated on February 05, 2020 izusek / Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse People who manipulate influence and control others through the use of mental distortion and emotional exploitation. The intent is to have power and control over you to get what they want. Manipulators know what your weaknesses are and use them against you.?? This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively stop it. This is quite difficult in a marriage as the manipulation may have started out subtle. Before long, this may become the everyday dynamic of your relationship with your spouse.   What Is Manipulation? Manipulation can be subtle or quite obvious, but either one is damaging to your marriage. For example:   Subtle Manipulation: Do you have any plans for this evening? (Left unsaid: If you do, you must not love me.)Obvious Manipulation: If you loved me you would go to the movies with me tonight.Direct and Honest Approach: I would like to go to the movies tonight. If you dont have any plans for this evening, would you go with me? Common Manipulation Strategies Think about whether you recognize some of these situations in your marriage. If you do, it is likely that your spouse is manipulating you.   Withholding sex or affectionWithholding money or something of valueMaking you feel shame, embarrassment, or guiltCrying  Withdrawal or avoidanceGiving the silent treatmentPoutingWhiningHaving a temper tantrumDoling out threats and ultimatumsLying or twisting the truthCriticizing and disapprovingBeing vague about wants or needsBlaming??Being coerciveShowing exaggerated disappointmentWithholding or hiding informationTwisting your words (or their meaning) Why Someone Manipulates In general, people manipulate others to get what they want. They may feel the need to punish, control, or dominate their spouse. They may be seeking pity or attention, or have other selfish motives. They may be trying to change or wear down their spouse, perhaps in an effort to have their own needs met. Consequences of Manipulation If your spouse is being manipulative, this can cause serious damage to your relationship. You may experience: Negative feelings such as dissatisfaction, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustrationA serious sense of self-doubtA constant need to defend yourselfFrequent apologizing, even when you believe you did not do anything wrongA lack of trust in your partnerA lack of safety in the marriageOverall discontentment with the relationship What to Do About Manipulation in Your Marriage Most people know how to be manipulative. But, we choose other mature and healthy ways to interact with others.  Particularly in a marriage or other loving relationship, most strive to be respectful of our mate through direct and honest communication. Manipulation and similar forms of emotional abuse are not acceptable from a romantic partner (or anyone else in your life). Realize and accept that manipulation is also emotional blackmail. This unfair behavior needs to be recognized and eliminated in your marriage. Recognize when you or your spouse manipulates.Tell your spouse when you experience manipulation. Be specific in describing the manipulation and your feelings.Do not act as if the manipulation is no big deal.If you discover yourself manipulating, stop in mid-sentence. Be more direct in your questions or statements.If the manipulation in your marriage continues, seek marriage counseling to help you both change the behavior. Someone who manipulates in their adult relationships may have come from a dysfunctional family of origin (the family one grows up in). They may have had to manipulate in order to get basic needs met or avoid harsh punishment. Alternatively, the individual could have been manipulated by their parents and learned this negative way to interact with others.   Manipulation may seem like an easy or natural way to deal with a difficult issue or to have things the way you want them, but in the long run, it isnt. Manipulation is hurtful and damaging to your marital relationship. Both you and your spouse deserve honest and loving communication. Article updated by  Marni Feuerman